Phuket, Do it Live!
Oh boy, where to begin this one…
It turns out I was NOT prepared for Phuket. I had zero contacts in the area, no idea what to expect and almost no cash on me left, and upon exiting the airport, I immediately got bombarded with offers from “private taxi drivers” that would take me to my destination.
Let me put this out there on the internet for Google to index for future travelers: To all the tourists arriving in Phuket, welcome to hell. You will get swindled. Official transportation from the airport to hotels does not exist. Either you hire a private driver, take a minibus and pray to Buddha that it goes in the same general direction as you, or succumb to the “private taxis”, essentially an oligopoly of cars that have slapped a fake sticker on their door, that have all but driven the actual real taxis out of business. Ah, yes, the REAL taxis. They do exist, but you need Batman-levels of investigative skills and Bradley Cooper’s charisma to find them. I don’t. So I paid triple.
I later discovered that everything here costs more, due to the “vacation destination” aspect of it all. The thing is… It really isn’t all that great. Don’t get me wrong, there are hotels and beaches and restaurants… But they’re surrounded by trash, construction sites, cheap massage parlors, annoying tuk-tuk drivers and fat middle-aged Westerners. I was shocked.
Luckily my hotel is OK. Definitely not four stars like on the brochure, but the receptionists are nice and my room is clean and comfortable.
Sadly, apart from these two photos, I took no pictures on Day 1 of Phuket. I’m saving you from the experience. The beach was mediocre and the ocean was dirty.
And I was going to spend 6 nights here…
So I took a long hot shower and woke up on Day 2 with renewed vigor. Surely, it can’t ALL be bad.
This morning, I vowed to see things under a different light. So I did the sensible thing and went for a Traditional Thai message.
That little grandma BROKE me. She pulled, sat, stretched, knee-ed and elbowed every muscle in my body and she laughed at me in a “aww poor you” manner while doing it. I genuinely laughed with her and at the whole situation in general, because I needed a morale boost. I came out of the massage parlor with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I went back to the beach (where suddenly all the trash in the ocean was replaced with sweet waves), grabbed some food, and returned home to prepare for the evening festivities.
It turns out you need to find the action in this small town. While booking this hotel, I had no idea that totally made sure that it was located next to Phuket FantaSea, Thailand’s greatest cultural theme park. This truly spectacular place had elephants, an enormous buffet hall, an exotic animal zoo, live shows and dozens of hand-crafted souvenir shops. I seriously recommend it!
The Grand Finale to this theme park was the theater performance. Because cameras weren’t allowed, here’s a list of all the reasons you need to see it:
Traditional Thai costumes and songs
Superb stage direction
Loud and impressive pyrotechnics
3D feel (including ceiling and wall performances)
Real rain
Real fire
Magic & teleportation
Cannons
Lasers
Three water buffalo
Sixteen Elephants
A flock of white roosters trained to run in a straight line
A herd of white goats trained to run and jump over obstacles
Audience member participation
A midget
So I’d say my second day was undoubtedly better than my first day.
See you next time!